myspace

Looks like I'm headed back there, after coming to the hasty conclusion that I had lost my blogs, which it turns out, I hadn't. So I'm migrating. But maybe I'll be in both places at once. It just might be possible!

AT&T Sucks

If a phone is deemed physically damaged then it's not covered under their Warranty Department. The toggle fell off of Andrew's phone, and they refuse to view it as a defective phone. They want to send me a refurbished phone and pay for it. $120.00. Fuck that. The one year warranty is only good for software malfunction. I should've gotten insurance, they said. But no one offered it at the time I renewed the contract. Andrew is responsible for physically damaging the phone, they said, and that's not covered. I argued the phone was defective from the start. I didn't know if there was a fracture in the toggle because I didn't physically examine it with a magnifying glass. But the fracture was probably there, and it was only a matter of time before it broke. It was like being in court, but on the telephone, with these incredibly rigid customer representatives, who hadn't a clue as to the nature of customer satisfaction. The damn phone is new. 40 days old. I am so pissed. I am seriously considering dissolving my contract with AT&T. And this, after doing business with them for over 10 years.

Bald Men

Do they wash their scalps? I suppose they do. I guess they treat it like any other part of the body, but do they really need to use shampoo - if they do - since they have no hair?

You know how some bald men have shiny heads? Do they oil their heads, or is that their natural oil? I want to take a ball of cotton, put astringent on it, and wash that shine off, until it has a matte finish. Shiny scalps are nasty, annoying. Ew. I think if I were a guy with a shaved head, I would obsess over the shine of my scalp. But who knows? Maybe it's a sign of good grooming, or a healthy scalp.

I wonder if they have products for men who shave their scalps? I mean, there are products for everything else.

The Dough

I think I fucked up the dough. Shit.

The Sauce

I've decided to go with the sauce first. Sauteed mushrooms and onions in a garlic wine sauce. Smells sumptuous. There is something about sauteed onions and mushrooms. Makes the the kitchen smell great. This pizza will not have a tomato sauce. It will just have cheese, sauteed vegetables and fresh green peppers, a mozarrella base topped with italian sausage. Kalamata olives too. The Sauce. That would be a good name for a blog or magazine. Mixing cooking with publishing. That's all.

Frazzled

Help! I'm gonna make two pizzas and I don't know where to start. Two completely different pizzas. Do I make the sauce first? It's too early to do the dough. I'm all anxious about my pizzas. Plus I think I'm hungry. But actually that's a bonus. Food comes out tastier when I'm hungry while cooking. I become a real gourmet. There. That's much better now.

Weather Predictions

Those who predicted the weather had it all wrong. The storm never came. But actually they were right on one note. The wind has picked up considerably, and is expected to reach 50 miles per hour. That's blustery. The leaves were whirling around furiously about 4 pm. But the good news is that Ted made it here safely and on time, so now I don't care what kind of weather we have!

Busy Sunday, Gloomy Sunday

All this Suzy Homemaker stuff has made me tired. Out of it today. Plus I forgot to take my meds yesterday, and that Effexor XR is bad, has nasty withdrawal symptoms. I have a bad headache today, and the weather is lousy. Raining on and off. But the good news is Ted comes in today. In a couple of hours. Think I'll make homemade pizza tomorrow. That should be good. Have most of the ingredients. Need a few more, which I can pick up tomorrow.

Just cut my nails. Feels so weird. They've been long and manicured for so long, but they started to break, so I decided to cut them. Feels strange to type with the pads of my fingers. I've been using my nails for so long to strike the keys. I feel like my fingers are kissing the keyboard!

Oh, my goodness

There's a new translation of Sir Gawain and The Green Knight. I love that poem. It's filled with medieval adventure. I have to have it!

Waiting For The Snow

I just keep looking out the window today. I follow the clouds closely. Do they look like snow clouds? The sun is hidden now. Perhaps the snow will come sooner than later. I fine tune my vision, to see if I can detect the first formation of a snow flake. But that's not all I'm doing today. I'm baking chocolate chip cookies, and earlier I made an ample supply of hummus, so easy and cheap to make. Who knows. Maybe I'll win a domestic wave award. We'll see how long this lasts. At least there is plenty to eat. But it seems if I don't do it, no one else will. That should make me feel important. It does. I've swept some of my low self-esteem out the door. Hurrah!

Suzy Homemaker

I'm starting to cook again, and oh, isn't that good, cause I'm such a good cook. Yesterday I baked pumpkin bread. The day before that I made spaghetti sauce, and the day before that I baked chicken. That's a record!

Spiro came home from school last night. Ted comes in tomorrow, and it's starting to feel like Christmas. Except that I'm broke. But who needs money to enjoy the spirit of the season? Thanos and I have been feuding for the past week and yesterday things came to a blow. Why are you so mean to me? he asked. I had to stop and think. I was pissed at him because when I asked him one day to take Andrew out and teach him how to park, he refused. That was when I turned into a snake and hissed at him.

But guess what? Andrew passed the driving exam! So all those months of hard work paid off. Now Andrew really likes my car because it's fast and that worries me a bit. Last night he said he was going out for 15 minutes and came back 2 hours later. I was furious. On the other hand, he needs to get some experience in the car by himself, and he didn't veer from the neighborhood, just met up with Eddie and picked up Courtney.

A snow storm is forecast for the region. I look forward to it, except I don't want it to interfere with Ted's arrival tomorrow. Hopefully it won't. Another storm strikes Chicago today, so flying out of there tomorrow should be okay. But if our storm doesn't hit until tomorrow, that's not good. And right now it doesn't look like stormy weather. The sun is out, and hence no snow so far.

Almost Friday

Sunday Ted comes in. However, a storm is supposed to hit the region over the weekend. Hope that doesn't delay his arrival. Two more days of subbing this week. AP History. The Spanish invasion of the Aztecs. Interesting stuff. Talked to Judy yesterday. She straightened me out a bit, did a little bit of emotional ironing. Tried to put things in perspective. Tried to be less negative. Tried to empower myself! It worked. But just a little bit.

Redundant

When I get depressed I become redundant. My rhythms are low, hard to hear. My thoughts follow a circular pattern. I repeat myself a lot. It's a cycle and it's vicious. And mostly, I don't have much to say. Like now. If I were to go on, I'd start babbling. Lately I've been in a somber mood. I don't really know if it's a precursor to depression, but my expression becomes stony. I want to say more, but I just can't. Kitchen duty is a drag on days like this. The sink is slowly filling with dirty dishes, not that I've been doing any cooking lately. That could be because there isn't anything to cook!

I sure hope Andrew passes his driving exam this week. I know he does too. He's developed into a fine driver, though I told him we'll still be driving together when he gets his license. He still needs practice driving in different conditions.

Chain smoking, as usual.

Let me see now... What can I possibly say? I've lost my punch. I suppose that's okay for a while. Maybe not.

Balmy Wednesday

Been busy working, though not busy at work. Most of the time substituting is like baby sitting. You're a body. There because they need someone. I shouldn't complain. It's easy work. And the pay is decent. You don't take your work home, either. So it's not bad, although it can be boring.

Feel as though I am sliding into a depression. Finances are rough, and the weather is gloomy. And yet, I keep dreaming about BMWs. I must want one badly. Ironic, since I have no money. Yet who's to say what I can dream about. I'd love to have a small coupe, however. Forever seeking sporty cars. A good fit for my personality.

Have calls to return, which I don't feel like doing. I don't know, when I get home I just feel out of it. Been falling asleep on the couch earlier and earlier. Zzzz.

Lake Forest Mall

Lake Forest Mall is a dinky, little mall, located in Gaithersburg. It's a hang-out for gang wannabes, and boasts upper scale stores like Macy's and Lord & Taylor, as anchors, in addition to Sears and Penneys. You can do the mall in 15, 20 minutes max - that's how small it is. Oddly, practically everyone knows of Lake Forest Mall, even those who live in Virginia. I don't know what other clientele it boasts besides the gang wannabes, but it manages to attract people from the surrounding vicinity. I admit. I go there in a pinch, but I usually rush my way through the mall, finding it distasteful to stay any longer than I have to. But it boggles my mind to think that this dumpy little mall is a beacon for many. It makes me think, oh, boy, isn't this provincial!

Gloomy Sunday

Slight rain. Drizzle. I've advanced or regressed. I've taken responsibility for my own laundry. I now gladly accept kitchen duty. Soon there will be nothing for Thanos to complain about. We'll see where that takes us. But I don't know... Yesterday I read an article in the NYT about perfectionists and he fit the one description. There are two kinds, they say. One is self-critical, but the other dispenses criticism to others, since they can never fit into this perfectionists "perfect" world. I am one of those who do not fit into his perfect world. But I am not the only one. My kids, too, are subject to this criticism, and I don't like that one bit. It's amazing how trends emerge once you are married, once the euphoria subsides.

The Itch of Confidence

Feeling that a bit lately. Andrew wants to go to New York in February. The Magnetic Fields are doing a concert there. And I'd love to hear them live. I'm reluctant to drive around Manhattan though - that's the general feeling I have. But for a moment there, my confidence blossomed and I thought, why not? So maybe we'll be in New York this February. I mean one of the reasons I didn't mind moving out here was because it is relatively close to NYC. So why not take advantage of that, and go with the flow?

Bored, Bored, Bored

The weather is beautiful for a winter's day. It's balmy outside. The sun is out. The snow has melted and the roads are clean. Still I'm bored. If I had another canvas I would start another painting. But I don't. Don't want to turn the tube on today. I'll get stuck to the monster channel if I do. Could do laundry. Domestic chores. I'd rather not though. It's too nice to be inside. Probably would have gone shopping, if I had the money. But I don't. Why are there so many negatives on such a beautiful day? Are they part of being normal? Cause that's what I am right now. Normal and bored.

Hiss

Last night I became a snake. I was so frustrated by Thanos' behavior that the words I spoke to him came out as a hiss. For a moment I imagined I was a snake after that. I was in shock. I sounded more like a snake than a human being. I have never hissed before. Thanos became very quiet after that. He hadn't known he had married a snake. Furthermore, I had no regrets about my behavior. Cold but not calculating. Ah, the imperfections we face as human beings.

The Roads

The roads were a mess the other morning when the snow began to fall. Maryland is totally unprepared to deal with winter storms. They excuse themselves, citing various reasons why they didn't salt the streets before the storm hit. They act like alchemists, talking about different solutions, one which included the use of beet juice in combination with other chemicals to treat the roads! Salt blows away, they reasoned, if you treat the roads before the storm hits. In addition, they speculated about the cost of treating the roads, as though they are the frugal people of the state. They oughta get some lessons from Chicago, a seasoned city when it comes to treating the roads: When the forecast predicts a snow storm headed their way, they do one thing: They salt the roads. Salt. Salt, And salt. A Maryland official went so far as to blame the weather forecasters for their lax behavior. Ugh.

Art Critics

Art critics amuse me. They talk of strokes and all, like some strokes were done in one sweep, when in fact, the finished "stroke" took several strokes to accomplish. Getting there isn't like anything they can imagine. That's what makes art criticism an especially difficult art, if it even qualifies as an art.

Panic

I panicked there for a moment. Thought I would have to go out. But I don't. The roads are slushy now, but I imagine they'll freeze again tonight. School will start on time tomorrow. Today was a late start. Too bad I didn't work. Oh, being normal and all, I've been working more, which is good, cause I need the money.

Ted

Ted loves System Of A Down. And A.F.I. Intense music. I can only tolerate in moderate amounts. I hope Ted's search through life will be a good one. We all search. At least I hope we do. Life is a journey. How's that for an overused metaphor?

Parallel Parking

Fuck parallel parking!

The Courts

I hate the courts. The tongue of the law has little to do with justice, I said, years ago. My divorce was nasty. Both Bill and I were unstable at the time. I attempted suicide. He was out of control, walking around parking lots in his pants only, no shirt or shoes. I nearly succeeded. My brain cells went to sleep, the doctor who cared for me, later said in a telephone conversation. I was in a coma, and on a ventilator. Granted when I came to, I saw a minister standing over my bed. They had placed strips of cloth as restraints on me. Didn't remember a thing. But the minister was from a Lutheran church, a seasoned man. It was kind of nice to see him standing over my bed. (I'm feeling deja vu. I've talked about this before, haven't I?)

But anyway, my chances of getting custody were shot when I attempted suicide. (I have terrible timing!) In reality, however, I was the more stable of the two. I sprang to afterwards. Fanelli threw me out of the hospital after a few days, said he didn't want me in there long. This other patient told me she would have complained if her doctor told her that. But I knew he was right. Didn't have anywhere to stay when I got out of the hospital, except for Cindy's. And that's where I stayed. Then gradually I got my shit together.

The attorney for the boys hated me. She was obsessed with me. Noted the way I dressed. She was a real frump. Gradually, she altered her style. She looked at me with envy. I wore my oversized black leather jacket, mini-skirts and boots. I mean I was so anti-establishment. But this should not have figured in the equation. She made a decision about me based on her morality, and morality varies from culture to culture. Being anti-establishment didn't make me a bad parent. She favored Bill who was really looney at the time. Can't stand that bitch. Ever since then, I've avoided the courts. They're filled with a bunch of incompetent losers.

Energy Supplies

We're trying to keep energy costs down, so the thermostat at 69 degrees, which is too cold for me. I hate being cold! I just pushed it up to 75.

Bored

Normal is incredibly boring for me. I'm neither happy nor sad. I am used to being at one extreme or the other. Now while I'm thankful I'm not depressed at this time. I have to say being normal is one helluva bore. I mean I have operate on a level that I fail to find gratifying. It puts me in Nebraska.

Suffering

That's what I'm doing right now. Not having any pot is a real challenge for me. I mean, I have to be normal. And, I hate being normal! Because I'm not.

My Neighbor

Wonder if I spooked him somehow. I am capable of doing that. Spooking people. Through my tales of struggles with the underworld. The ghosts I've seen. What if all of these stories came together when I last talked to him, I mean, when I uttered the first word? So a "hi" wouldn't just be a hi. It would be infused with the ghosts I've seen. Wow. I sure hope I haven't spooked him. Wonder if he's a bit paranoid? Maybe thinks I'm a Nark?

My Paintings

There's nothing subtle about them. They literally grab your attention through my use of color. The images themselves are primitive. I am by no means a fine artist. But I have a gift. It is the use of color. I love color. My paintings are vibrant!

That's What It Is, After All

For me at least, writing is closely tied to rhythm. Basic rhythms. Vivaldi's Four Seasons, for example. Each season has a rhythm, a mood. You're either in it, or not. Right now, I have let the rhythm spill, and I can't seem to mop it up.

Blood Makes Noise

That's the title of a song by suzanne vega. great song, it is. Hm. Seem to be getting back my rhythm here. Wouldn't that be glorious?

The Biggest Problem

The biggest problem is this: I look at my painting and I ponder the following question: How would it stand against those pieces in museums? Is it any good? Sort of good? Not good at all? I have shown very few people my paintings. They all like them. Once I talked to an art dealer, and I asked her the following question about the selling of art: What makes a piece significant? I said. And she said, rather cynically, I believe, that it depended on two things - money and interest. If someone likes it and has money, they'll buy it. That automatically puts you in demand. However, I have no idea if anyone is capable of falling in love with one of my pieces. That's what would have to happen, I think. Maybe the art dealer was right, after all.

Pot

Haven't smoked pot in 3 weeks, and suddenly today I got an intense craving for it. It was hell.

My Chief Problem

My chief problem. (now that I'm capitalizing, I get confused over what to capitalize. I think I should capitalize words in the middle of a sentence, random words!) As I was saying... My chief problem is how do I attract my neighbors attention. I don't want to be a nuisance and knock on his door. And I think I've given him enough hints that I want some dope! Geez. Wonder what his problem is?

MVA

Fuck the MVA! The nerve. Failing Andrew! My beautiful Andrew.

Zack

I don't think I'm going to fire him. I am a difficult and demanding customer. That's a fact. When I say I want platinum hair, that's what I want. No traces of yellow present. Tough cookie. But anyway, Zack does a good job, and I get lots of compliments, and besides he is of one the best.

Wimp

I'm such a wimp. One day in ROTC changed my behavior. I mean, what's going on. Maybe I wanted to capitalize all along. But damn. This verges on ridiculous. Wonder what other strange twists there are to my soul.

Jump Start

Now if I could only get a jump start on my writing by slipping into a hypomania, I would be a happy person. I don't need to be in a hypomania to paint, but it sure helps with writing. As for normal, it's not bad, I now have to admit, but a bit on the boring side. I'll just have to wait and see. Patience.

Restoring Confidence

I finished a painting I started over a year ago. And I like it! It is, like all my paintings, a woman's face, done in shades of blue. At first I was apprehensive with my use of color, my lines looked clumsy, so I left them alone, moved on to use blocks of color, which worked. I have a tendency to overwork my paintings, but this time I managed not to. I call it finished. All I need now is more canvases, so I can, once again, pursue this particular passion, which unlike writing, which I find frustrating at times, which I find relaxing. Damn. Lots of which in that last sentence.

MVA

Andrew takes the road test this morning, and the roads are treacherous. Icy from yesterday's storm. I hope he passes! As for me, I fell asleep on the couch last night to the Monster channel, which has been repeating awesome black and white movies, which I adore. They're all about dialogue, stilted dialogue. (several hours later...) They started with parallel parking, not one of Andrew's strengths, and he was back in the facility within 5 minutes. He was disappointed, and angry, said he hates driving. I say fuck parallel parking. It's a hassle, and here not many people actually do it, and I bet there are licensed drivers who stink at it. Okay, so now what do I do? I took the day off. I suppose I can chase Ruddiger around... He keeps jumping on the countertops, and he's not allowed to do that!

Wednesday's Snow

It's not bad. The snow. But the roads are slick, and driving is dangerous. Was hoping for an early dismissal day, but it hasn't happened so far. I hope it doesn't snow tomorrow morning. Andrew takes his driving test in the morning, and I want him to pass. He's really improved. I don't shriek and shout anymore. Anyway, I have an easy day today. Long break between classes, enough time to come home and have a second cup of coffee. Ideal.

Tuesday Morning

Tuesday morning was busy. I had an appointment with my psychiatrist, during which it was evident that I am no longer hypomanic, which is not necessarily a plus for me. I do a lot more writing when I'm hypomanic, but now that I'm closer to normal, there has been a dramatic drop in the number of posts. I'm happiest when I'm writing. But I'm not as frustrated as I thought I'd be, which also must be part of being normal. However, I have an unfinished painting that I've been eyeing lately, and this morning I picked up the primary colors from Pearl, and am seriously considering dipping my fingers in paint again. It's awfully blustery today and cold, but the sun is incredibly bright, despite the occasional clouds.

Blustery Monday

Everything is blowing away today. Tempers soar through the air, landing on the kitchen table. I suddenly feel very private, not wanting to share the difficult moments of my personal life. In the past I have made light of the situation, but now I am in a serious mode, no longer prone to the elevated thinking of the past months. Now I would sound whiny, a characteristic I abhor. I want to write in my diary, not in cyberspace, where I now feel restrained. So, I'll just take a vow of silence for the present. Winter, I see, has finally arrived.

Dark Sunday

It's a dark Sunday, and I'm all alone in the house. Andrew is in Baltimore, attending a portfolio review, and Thanos is at a Redskins game. Just me and the cats. Ruddiger is nuts. He thinks the kitchen curtains are a tree. One day he'll bring them down. I'm tempted to have him declawed. Oh, I know that sounds cruel, but the pain is short term. Zoe was declawed and she's a fine cat. But first he's got to be "fixed." Yesterday he leapt 3 feet in the air in a fumbled attack on Zoe. Like I said, he's nuts!

Funky Friday

Home and cooking like a demon. Pot roast. Rice Pudding. And hummus. Amazing what I can do when I have my wits about me. And the motivation to move. Cooking and ROTC. Don't even know what that stands for... ROTC. Have no idea what that means. Anyway, what a combination. Military training and a true kitchen adventure. Maybe some of the military wore off on me today. Although I have to confess I was prepared to cook today after doing grocery shopping yesterday. I had planned my one meal. But the rice pudding was a surprise. As for the hummus, I don't know if I'll get to that selection in the menu. My burst of energy has subsided.

Subtle Influences

Notice how I'm capitalizing everything. A direct result of being in ROTC today. I am straightening out, following the rules of written etiquette. Besides, it's good training. I've gotten so out of shape, not capitalizing. Physical training of the fingers, so used to pouncing from key to key, will restore discipline.

Authority

It's no secret I have a problem with authority. I actually think I am intimidated by persons in authority. I don't view cops as the bad guys or anything, but I tend to focus on instances where they abuse their power, and that intimidates me. Speeding, for example. The way they punish speeders. I have an example. Maybe I've mentioned it before. The 70-something sub who got a speeding ticket for going over the speed limit, doing 35 in a 30 zone. Now that's ridiculous.

ROTC

I am so out of place today. I took an assignment to sub in general science, and it turns out to be a class in ROTC physical training. What, me? I wanted to reject the assignment as soon as I realized what it entailed - being out in 40 degree temperatures, doing laps on the track, and playing soccer. I am the most unphysical, unathletic person, totally wrong for the job. Plus, I mean, I just had pneumonia. I don't want to get sick again!

I am saved, however, by one of the cadets who says the commander doesn't train with them, that they do it themselves, having leaders assigned to conduct and supervise the training, that I can stay inside, go on the internet, which, as you can see, I am. Hope the same rules apply for the other periods, four more of them. we'll see. Damn, what do I call this Friday? Fried Friday, I think.

As expected, all students stood when they said the pledge of allegiance, and responded military style when the chief cadet took attendance. I've had at least 3 of the students in other classes, and was glad to see them. I look so out of place, however. Me, with my scarves and berets and vinyl bag with a colorful print of the New York Dolls written on it, and "personality crisis" scrawled in bold letters. Just what ROTC is looking for. Maybe I'll be salvaged. Okay, they're back from physical training. I'm out of here. I mean here.

Dried Leaves

ruddiger loves playing with dried leaves. the kitchen has remnants of what once was a brittle, whole leaf, torn to pieces. i don't know why i find it so amusing to watch him snatch the leaves and run with them hanging out of his mouth. he looks like a messenger, a deliverer of dried leaves.

it's strange how things work out some times.

Magnificent Thursday

spent the day teaching reading to a group of students i work with fairly regularly. when the kids get to know you as a sub, they begin to trust you and ask you for help academically. they cooperate. it's rewarding for both teacher and student. if i didn't feel so old, i would go back to school and get a degree in reading. i just don't want the commitment and expense right now. i don't see myself going back to school in the formal sense ever again. feeling pretty good today. yeah.

Sunny Wednesday

we're doing a theme here. adjectives to describe the day of the week. this week, at least. outside of that, not much is going on. still. had a lot of scary dreams last night. tried to escape these beings that morphed into humans, but you could only discern their true form the moment you attempted to escape from them. the dream was set in this big house, and the escape was gradual, in steps. every time we tried to escape they would mutate, and stop you from going any farther. but it was hard to determine how far you had actually gotten because you never knew who among them would stop you at each stage. they looked like ordinary humans but were other beings, and the key to the escape was not to wake them up, wherein they would show their true essence which was sinister. confusing and awful dream. but a good one followed, so the night was not all bad.

Gloomy Tuesday

thoughts rush through my head, with no opportunity to catch them. fragments, they are. and i am powerless today. i have had nothing to say for days now.

Rainy Monday

yep. that's what it is. a rainy monday. worked today with the developmentally delayed kids. love those kids. we went on a field trip to wallmart. it's all about socialization with those kids. they really enjoy field trips. they are the coolest kids!

Thanksgiving

is finally over. it was a nice day. good food. and best of all i didn't have to cook.

Getting In The Mood For Christmas

wish i were a little girl again. wish someone would read me a christmas story. wish that from now on, i promise to think about the future.

Cold Front

a cold front is moving in tomorrow night, the forecast says. looks like summer is over. well it's about time. it's almost december!

Fanelli

i heard from him! awesome. he wants to talk to ted. ted could talk to someone right now. he's going through a confusing period, and things need adjustment. it'll be good for him. it will help him.

'Tis The Night Before Thanksgiving

and i am taking lessons on kitchen management. that includes rules for making great spaghetti. how to keep your counter clean. and general kitchen managment. that's cool.

Mr. Collier

i'm subbing for him tomorrow. english. 12th graders. andrew is one of his students. but the guy likes me, and asked me to sub for him. he's going away for thanksgiving. he's a really cool guy. good teacher. who, unfortunately for students, is leaving the profession. not exactly leaving, but moving on to higher education. so i'm really glad andrew had him for a teacher.

Buddha

buddha holds a plate on his hand, with fruit. he's a jolly buddha. well fed, and smiling. he's my miniature buddha. the pewter one. he keeps me level, while i'm writing. wouldn't want me to get carried away. then try, go and find me.

Trust

trust is so important. you have to trust your spouse. otherwise, your relationship is a mess. sad for those who trusted and were later disposed of with irreverence, like laci peterson. don't know why i started thinking about them. my neighbors, i think, made me. they're young, and to look at them and think that one of them is capable of committing a heinous crime against his spouse. it seems so improbable. and yet. you never know. that whole case was nauseating. circumstantial evidence followed scott peterson wherever he went. even when he tried to get away, to what police thought was mexico. had all the signs of a getaway. what a creep. and to think, this guy gets marriage proposals.

Pumpkin Pie

looks like i'm gonna make it, after all. i seriously doubted my ability to do it, but i thought i have nothing to lose by trying. went to the supermarket with andrew, got the ingredients. wouldn't that be wonderful? if i made a pie? eggs, pumpkin, brown sugar. it's a trader joe's recipe. we'll see how it tastes. ou. i'm getting excited about thanksgiving. sort of. still feeling kind of drab. i am such a chicken! where are you when i need you, annie oakley?

The Cats

the cats really dig the magnetic fields. they're sitting and chilling to the music. kind of like me!

Out

don't feel like doing that today. going out. dread that i will have to do that later.

Time For Ice Cream

ben & jerry's chocolate fudge brownie. a tablespoon. somebody needs to get serious around here and go to the grocery store. we need to get to hog heaven asap.

Getting Through The Front Door

is going to be difficult for me. i will linger by the doorway for a while, but it'll be a while before i actually cross the threshold. i'm peculiar that way. like i said before, shy. i'll probably need a horse. pretend i'm annie oakley again, and blaze across that threshold.

Just A Few More Sips

just a few more sips of coffee left. will i go on and have a second? two mugs of espresso. that's a lot of coffee. crows. that's what i see from my windows. crows on roofs. that bird is around year round. it's not a particularly attractive bird. reminds me of death. edgar allen poe. his poem about the raven, the words which i cannot remember. an ominuous bird, infused with a sense of malice. this of course, is purely hypothetical.

Thoughts About The Future

don't have many those. never have planned ahead. until now. thinking about christmas. we don't have any money to buy fancy gifts for everyone. the gifts will be small. and nice. maybe i'll even give the mail man a gift. he's a nice guy. that's it. that's how far ahead i'm going. no other thoughts about the future. ain't inclined to them. life, for me, is all about the moment. and that moment has arrived. i'm gaining momentum.

Young Love

never went through that. now both the boys are in love. andrew started young. ted is more of a late bloomer. but not by much.

Next Car

next car i get is gonna be... i'm not sure yet. it'd been sweet to get a beamer, but don't think we can afford that. i don't really care. wait. that's not true. i wouldn't mind a mini cooper. that'd be fun.

Stare

i do that a lot. my kids were always telling me to stop staring at people. but i just find them fascinating. the way they present themselves to the world. tells you so much about a person. i mean we all have a choice, to a certain degree. what we appear like when we're in public is not totally up to us. there are other elements that come into play. stages in our lives over which we have no control. numerous things affect how we appear to the world.

Uh, Oh

i'm listening to i can't touch you anymore again. i've looped it. wonder how long that's going to last.

The Significance Of This Year

is that despite what i have said about my neuropsychiatrist, poking fun at him, despite this, i have been the most stable i ever have been in my life. i am able to sit and write. i'm not pulled in another direction. this could be explained several ways. i feel secure, now that i'm married. the new med actually does work. that being requip. i think it's slowed me down a bit. i think i was traveling too fast. faster than the speed of light!

I'm Expecting A Visitor

my next door neighbor. he seems so nice. really a caring kind of guy. we'll see. it's too early to tell. he really is a stranger to me at this point. just getting to know him... nice to get along with your next door neighbors. i recommend it.

So What Am I Doing Today?

not much. hate to say it, but never thought this would happen. it's a blah day. what can i do? sit around in my pajamas. drink coffee and smoke cigarettes and write. my lifestyle in one shot.

Hanging Out The Laundry

that's what this place is for me. look at all my laundry! mounds and mounds of it!

Iraq

haven't said anything about iraq yet. i've had one question about iraq. did anybody ask them if they wanted a democracy? doesn't seem like it. we just charged in on false pretenses, and bombed the shit out of it. surely a hostile act. and the news televised all of the fireworks.

Chicago

my experiences in chicago were unfortunately negative. maybe that's why i have such mixed feelings about the city. the city is beautiful, and there's a thriving economy there, but i never managed to get into that loop. all because of my marriage and decision to stay home and raise my children. i fell out of the loop. getting divorced was a bitch. it dragged on for 3 yrs. why i was so happy when the order was written that i jumped for joy outside the courtroom. and my lawyer tried to shield me.

Maryland

i mean, what is there to like about maryland? the cops are pricks here. the roads are crowded. there's no culture, to speak of. a real bedroom community. i guess some people like that. i don't. i prefer the rush of the city. that's where i thrive. but haven't been in a city in years. was on the outskirts of chicago for 2 years, and in the city for 3 years. difficult ones they were. that's when i was on public aid, and had to deal with the pricks there. and let me tell you, they were women. and mine was a thorough bitch. used to cut off my benefits for technicalities. there more to harm than help you.

Bored

i am so bored. you know there's 8 late bloomers on blogger. just 8 who listed that as their occupation. i was one of them. an interesting assortment of characters. there was this woman, and people kept leaving her comments, over things like her saying she had a taste for her grandmother's peach preserves, or something like that. and i can't get one person to leave me comments! where are my angels now? sitting on my shoulders.

Christmas Trees

i love them. the fresh ones though. the others are nice for decoration, but they don't have that sweet pine aroma, a real one does. i'm gonna ask andrew if he wants to chop down our tree this year. there's a place near ozzie's house, where you can chop your own tree. maybe bring eddie and courtney along. bet they'd have fun. i would.

Chariot Ride

i had my first one just now. it was magnificent. we sped way above the ordinary world. at full throttle.

Zoe

poor zoe. i've neglected her. i've been spending more time with ruddiger. but she understands. he needs to be socialized. right now i'm teaching him how to jump in my lap. he already knows how to follow you. he's bright! i love that. and when he purrs, he's loud. a happy cat!

Today's Mood

is kind of down. don't feel like going outside today. it's one of those days. cloudy. rainy. and thanksgiving is 2 days away. ugh. not looking forward to this one. not if the weather is this lousy. i think i need a new heart, that's what the singer says.

Cats

cats are so cool. they are leaders. independent. ruddiger, for example, is fascinated by little things. the reflection on my nails - you know, the dark polish reflects an odd light. the cigarette smoke spiraling in the air. the knowledge that he is free to develop into a healthy animal. he's gonna be a great cat. friendly. and there aren't too many friendly cats around.

I Didn't Let It Slip

i brought it up. somehow thanos managed to talk me into a better mood, not so angry about it. call it magic.

Think I'll Just Let This One Slide

i'm not going to make a big deal of thanos' behavior. i'm gonna treat it as something that is past now. over iwth. that's a way to survive a mini crises.

Thank Goodness

i found some chicken. thanos baked it last night. that'll even things out a bit. chicken and raisin bran. a completely nutritious meal.

Thank Goodness

i found some chicken. thanos baked it last night. that'll even things out a bit. chicken and raisin bran. a completely nutritious meal.

Dinner

a bowl of raisin bran cereal, with whole milk. good for the digestive system, the manufacturer suggests. we having people eating that shit every day, and half the nation, why, we'd be sitting on the toilets of america!

69 Love Songs

one song is about fucking. let's pretend we're bunny rabbits...i can keep it up all night. i can keep it up all day. let's pretend we're bunny rabbits, until we pass away. cute song.

Breast Reduction

i would do it. if i had the nerve. and the money. they shrink if you lose weight, but i'd have to lose another 10 lbs to see any significant change in cup size. i've been stranded in a d cup for years.

Fanelli

fanelli was there for me always. especially during my darkest moments and hours. he understood intuitively what was going on with me. he could describe in precise detail things i was feeling. it was amazing. i really miss him. i see some rocks ahead, and i could've used his support.

Coffee

this morning's leftover coffee helped wake me up a bit. yesterday. sunday. i was in bed by 5:30 pm. was really pissed at thanos, but the way i chose to solve it was to go to sleep. only problem was, when i woke up this morning, i was still angry with him. then during the school day, i was distracted by the students, but when i got home, i started thinking about it again. i imagined what mood i would be in for the occasion. the icy one probably. with a french twist.

Training Myself

i'm working hard to erase kevin. i compose letters, which i do not send. i send others. but still no response from him. he has written me off, but i don't want to believe it. besides, i do not think i acted cruelly toward him. but something ticked him off, and that was it. left me slaughtered. in the street.

Already Tired

and it's only 4. been up since 5 though. that's early! too early for me. i'd rather stay up late. i love the late hours. 2 to 3 am. but when i work, i have to be in bed by 8:30.

The Baby Next Door

i haven't a clue as to what it looks like. it'd be nice to see it.

The Darker Me

i can send a chill up your spine, if i want to. that's one of my special skills. but like the other special mood, i don't use these skills very often. it's a matter of discretion. it's a matter of will.

Me and Andrew

it's me and andrew against thanos, the tyrant. kitchen stuff. but he should know better than to mess with my territory, because no one knows it like i do. this is where i become dark and forbidding. cold. like ugh, you're some slug that has crawled on my skin. it's one of my special moods. and i don't use it often. damn. we need to go shopping!

Andrew's Music

i try to listen to it whenever he plays it. he has such a good ear that he could be a dee jay. i've suggested that to him a couple of times. i mean he could make some decent money doing it. and it would be easy for him. he's a natural. do parties. around here. there are plenty of princesses living around here who can afford 50 bucks a night.

(aside) ruddiger is destroying andrew's new knit sweater. he's trying to bite off the cloth tag. i'm trying to teach him not to do that. let's see if he smart.

Hard of Hearing

that's me. but i've always been that way. can't stay with one thought for too long. gotta keep moving. when people tell me things, i'm only half listening. the other half is elsewhere. where? couldn't tell you exactly. so i say "what?" a lot. i appear to be deaf some times.

Just Realized

i play with my hair a lot. i'm always running my fingers through it. especially when i'm sitting at the computer. i do it while i wonder about things. i'll hold my head in my right hand momentarily, then sweep my fingers through my hair again. luckily, zak gave me a cut where i can do that and it still looks good! i love zak too much to fire him.

A Matter of Delicacy

i'm just gonna have to tell them they have to invite me over. otherwise, i won't go. i'm too shy to knock at the door. they're gonna have say something like, hey, why don't you come over tomorrow night. that'll give it some structure. what can i say? i'm spineless.

P.S.

that's not what i meant. i didn't mean i was rolling joints or anything like that. i don't know how to roll a joint.

Quiet Sunday

that's what i'll call this. not much going on. just rolling away the minutes.

Looking For A Long Skirt

but i can't find one. a straight one. black, of course. i wish i could sew. i would've been a fashion designer if i knew how to thread a hole.

FOOD

in desperate need of food! sure feels that way. weird.

Now That's Something I Haven't Done In A While...

gone out and spent money on make-up. maybe with the holidays near, i'll go on a spree. no. no.

Lancome

is the brand of beauty products i purchase. they're weird though. somehow i landed on this skin soap and used it for years even though it didn't work. one day they were out of it, and offered an alternative, which i ended up liking better. in all those years no one had once offered that there was an alternative to what i used, something, in fact, i might like better. now that's what i call aggressive marketing.

Thanos' Way Of Drinking Coffee

he puts just a tad of milk in it, so the water looks dirty.

Pedicures and Manicures

there's something nice about taking care of your tips. they are so often neglected. but they are critically important. they get us where we want to go. i'm all for them!

The Correspondent's Room

i had to deliver a final paper for a class to a newspaper office. that's where our teacher worked. he was a film critic for a chicago paper. great class on writing film reviews. anyway, i was really quiet. didn't say much during class. kind of shy. one day i wrote a whimsical review of a movie, which we didn't go over during class. he implored me to share my ideas more. but i was too shy. and didn't feel i could produce on a regular basis. it was hit or miss with me. but anyway. i was actually going to pick up a final paper at the newspaper office. i got in the elevator and rode to the 6th floor. and as soon as the door opened, i thought i had finally found home. the whole environment felt so right. and yet. did i pursue a career in journalism?

Maureen

was a heavy set woman, with a texan drawl. deep voice. deep sense of humor. she was one of my best profs. she told me the same thing every day: write. but it's frustrating when you write when things are incoherent. they don't go anywhere. a bunch of dead ends.

Bagel For Lunch

another blueberry bagel. only this time it's stale. the food situation around here is really bad. nobody likes going to the grocery store.

Loss of Moisture

i'm getting old. loss of moisture in my hands. ghads. they're looking old and wrinkled.

Thanos and His Excuses

he's uttering them right now. reasons why he shouldn't come with me to pick up andrew. bill would never say that. that's a major difference between actual vs stepfather syndrome. you know what? in the end, he relents. so it's pretty tight.

Kevin Is Special

though. we had a moderately literate exchange. what can i say about kevin? i know a very little part of him, only what he cares to reveal to me. he's extremely guarded. not that there's anything wrong with that. it just doesn't gel with my personality, which is all over the place, will say things that might be construed as cruel. in other words, i have a loose tongue.

The List

goes on and on. but i don't think i care to go through it right now. not very flattering portraits of male behavior. starting with my father, of course. who was really fucked up.

John Huntington

should try to contact me. he was one of my professors. a real prick. and awfully handsome. he did a number on me in class, in front of 23 students! when none of us had the assigned paper, i popped a question. do we make your life miserable. and he looked at me, straight in the eyes, and said. miserable? that's something you and i'll have to talk about face to face, after class. the class was stunned into silence. but no one said anything. that started a series of letters i wrote him. i wanted to send him this line, but i didn't: are your lives as miserable as your parties? it was volatile there for a while. in the end, he denied saying that. had no recollection of it whatsoever. like i said, a real prick.

So Shy

the next door neighbors invited me to come over anytime, but i'm too shy to knock on the door. i can't help it. ted is like that too. he's very shy in some respects. hated knocking on people's doors. heredity?

What's Meant To Be, Will Be

that's what i've come to realize. doesn't mean you have no will. you still have a will. but in the end, you will see that no matter how hard you tried, things just didn't come out the way you wanted them to. if a was gonna get together with b, then there's not much you can do to stop it.

The Garage

that's where thanos is. again! tells you about the state of our marriage. it's got a couple of snags. kevin was my wonderful fantasy. but now i've alienated him, and i miss him.

Don't Feel Much Like Writing Today

today is good for daydreams. not of this concrete stuff for me. no, i like daydreaming. i keep myself amused for hours. been doing it ever since i was a small kid. used to stretch out on the couch, my head by the window, and daydream about getting out of a nasty domestic situation for a kid. nasty grandmother fights with my mother. i hated it. i hated to see my mother upset. don't remember much of it now. but i know it happened. so my daydream would be about me being married. i sat and admired the imaginary wedding band on my finger. the sun pored into my head.

Sunday Morning

pretty drab outside. andrew has to work today. which means he gets more driving experience. he said they really want you to push at work, to get the customers to get a credit card with the store, and of course, to buy clothes. he's not a pusher though. at least i don't think so. he said he didn't particularly like that philosophy.

The Beatniks

i was a kid when the beatniks were big in my neighborhood. we lived by the university of chicago, and i always associated the one with the other. it was a world that intrigued me. even though i never hung around with them. i felt a kinship with them. my eye had immediately captured their fascination with black clothes. they were hip. a whole lot hipper than what we've got today. it's funny, how in real estate they say the 3 most important things about a house is location, location, location. it's true. if i had never grown up in hyde park when i did, i would've missed the beatnik movement as it was happening. a lot of what i knew about them, however, mostly came from my imagination. and dobie gillis, of course.

Autumn Outfit

consists of chocolate sneakers. black jeans. my unique grey jacket, with the diagonal zipper, and which fits tight on my body. my violet and black striped scarf, around my neck. and my brown knit beret. what a sight!

Nice Gift For A Couple Who's Just Had A Baby

a catered dinner. they would appreciate that. especially if they don't have relatives nearby.

Ruddiger

is so cute. i've probably said that before. like most kittens, he is wildly curious. he makes toys out of dustballs. or a piece of scallion that has fallen to the floor, and which he's discovered is a perfect wheel. it never falls down. it's the perfect width. he was fascinated by that.

To Participate In Something Illegal

is a minor hassle. marijuana should be allowed. just like all those other fda approved addictive medications. it's no different really. there are dozens of medicines that have adverse side-effects. so what if its purpose is to put us in an altered state. meds do the same thing. and they're legal. what's the difference really? it's socially unacceptable by society at large? bet a lot more people smoke than the statistics allow.

i wonder about this one sub. she must be in her mid 70s. and boy, do the kids ever mess with her. once they had broken into fits of laughter because she accidentally locked herself out of the room. my class restored order. we told them to open the door. which they did. then they denied having anything to do with the prank.

Just Finished My Blueberry Bagel

mind you. i'm still hunting for food. this house never has any food in it! i hate that!

The Roll

the roll on my belly has gone down. i've managed to keep off the few pounds i lost. i feel so much better. now i need to lose ten more pounds before i feel really comfortable. i'm so sedentary though that i have no idea how to do it. i need to become more active. but i'd rather get stoned.

Don't Mean To Suggest...

i am crazy. but by some standards i am. imagine... what kind of children would we produce. well both of them are highly artistic. and extremely intelligent. in some ways they are naive. take ted, for example. right now he wants to pay some firm 90 dollars to get him a job bartending. he can't see that it's a scam. wants to go though it even if it is. needs to experience things. andrew is ethereal. and pretty smart kid. was in a gifted program for a year. he was so pissed we moved in the middle of the program that he did not talk to anyone at school that entire year!

Then Betty Came Along...

he met her. and immediately was hot for her. she was for him too. i fell in love with him. i liked the way he took care of me. fed me every day. years later he would have one of several breakdowns. extremely sad. our marriage had broken apart. complicated relationship. cannot even begin to explain it. the final score though was that it produced ted and andrew. two children, to two crazy people.

Lunch

a blueberry bagel. interesting choice, i think. why blueberry. there were others.

What Happens Then...

when you find your soulmate, and 2 years later, she dies. that's pretty fucked up. that's what happened to bill. melody was his first love. but the girl had melanoma. and they didn't tell him anything. even though the family knew. he fell in love with her and they married. 6 months later, she was dead. what a fucked up first relationship!

Then Again, Hahaha

i have plenty of time to write. we're at the point where we don't talk to each other more. nothing deep. whatever. but it's like we don't need to anymore. we're beyond that stage. being together is what it's all about. having someone with whom you are close. i think that's why single people die younger. several studies have suggested it. companionship. that's the key.

Thanos

it's saturday. a day to relax. and you know what thanos is doing? cleaning out the garage! of all the things to do. boo, hoo. he doesn't love me anymore. would rather spend time in the garage than with me!

Google

so i wonder what google plans to do with this site? shut it down maybe? sure hope not. we need sites like this. keeps us in touch with a number of different kinds of persons, people. shows us how big the world is. and interesting. google should definitely leave it alone. that is, if they have any vision left.

Neighbors

i always like to check on my next door neighbors on cyberspace. this blog precedes some pretty weird sites. the last one, i could not even recognize the language. it was some kind of european language we don't hear often. maybe it was slavic. had a clip from south park on it. i thought that was pretty cool. couldn't understand anything more about the blog. at a real disadvantage. we need to improve our ability to speak foreign languages.

Writing

are there times when i don't feel like writing? not really. i stop when i am physically tired. my brain gets tired too!

The Apple Box

i don't know why we're keeping it. it's in a corner by the fireplace. but we have a habit of doing this. keeping the apple boxes. as if we're gonna have to send the computer in, or something. i think we keep it because subliminally it's an object of art. industrial design at its most elegant.

hey! i swept the kitchen! how about that? i did a domestic chore. i give myself several pats on the back.

Feel Good Today

and i don't know why. maybe it has to do with some of the tension that was relieved through the massage yesterday. didn't know i was carrying so much tension around. blah, blah, blah.

Work

i hate work! most of the time, that is. no, it's all a lie. i work like a dog. no, it's a lie. i'm real comfortable subbing. no pressure, other than what the students might create, and since i do a lot of special education, there are some difficult students to cope with. but overall. it's cool.

Damn iPhone!

won't charge again. i'm beginning to think it's the charger that's at fault. i mean this is my second iphone. i guess i have to make another scene at apple. tell them how disappointed i am with the device. ugh. what a saturday morning! update: thanos turned the phone on and off and it showed it was fully charged. still, this is not right. something is wrong with it.

Empty Nest

that's what it feels like. andrew is the last one. next year this time, he'll be on his own. in school. and the house will be empty. boo, hoo. i'm already missing him.

The Thing I Love About Thanos

he's my husband. but he's my mother too. and father. he's perfectly balanced for me.

First Cold Day Of The Season

was today, i think. it was really nippy, and blustery. definitely scarf and gloves and hat weather. plus, it stung a little. you wanted to get inside in a hurry. weather forecast by me.

Wrinkled

that's what i look like today. and to think...i've been at a spa.

Can't Wait To Get To Know My Next Door Neighbor

afterall, we have something in common. and if that's what should get us to socialize with one another, so be it. i mean, a lot of people do it. not everybody is addicted. at least i hope not. that would make that movie they made in the 20s i think ironically accurate. reefer madness. that was the title. i bought a copy of that for christina. i thought she'd appreciate the humor of the piece. bizarre humor, i think.

Cutting Corners

i don't usually do that. i like to go straight on. get to the bottom of the problem. oh, i was gonna talk about my day at the spa. until google interrupted me. the best thing by far was the massage. she did the entire body. feet. ankles. head and neck. the extremities in addition to the traditional massage of back. i'm in pain, however. there were several knots and tight spots in my body. balls of tension. hard as golf balls. and i thought i was laid back.

Hm...

changes. it's obvious i don't like them. i like routine. when it comes to the real world.

Google

what the fuck is google doing, messing around with blogger. so, yeah. it bought it. but that doesn't mean it has to stick its big nose in there. why don't they just leave it alone. or, if not that, improve it. but to make it more difficult to get in... i don't know.

Spa Day

am i ready to be pampered? oh definitely.

Damn...

this is a hard one. yep. word verification is still on. been on all day. bwnjszw. that's a mouthful.

Criteria For Admission To High School Art Academy

they don't accept anime. don't know why. probably because it can be easily reproduced. but that's not fair, because there are some students, like andy, whose anime is unique. it shows potential. how can they exclude it, I ask.

My Meals

today consisted of one thing: raisin bread. i'm hungry. but then i don't really care. tomorrow i go to the spa. wonder how i'll feel in the morning. good, i hope. hm... sounds like andrew is cutting some of his classes. wonder what's up with that?

Wonder How Andrew Is Doing

they're doing orientation tonight. i don't know if they get paid for that. i would think they should. how exciting. his first job. wonder if his feet will hurt at the end of the day. i know mine would. but then he's just a kid.

Time For Bed

but i can't really. have to pick up andrew from work, and get gas. hope thanos comes with me. i'm counting on him.

Humpf!

ted tells me loves me easily. it's an automatic response to my declaration of love. andrew, however, will never tell me he loves me, and when i tell him i love him, he smirks. one tough cookie. or who knows what...

Hollywood Confusion

the guy who plays dana scully's father on the x-files also plays a general on another series. the stargate series. both seem current. was he simulatneously doing both series? i have no idea why these questions concern me, but they do!

Magnetic Fields

listening to them again. they are hypnotic. especially good to listen to on a rainy day. the cats love it. it puts them to sleep. they're out. one's on a cushion. one's on the couch.

Swiss Army Watch

that's what i wear. one of their models. i love it. i've had it for over 10 years, closer to 15. it keeps wonderful time. just need to change the battery every couple of years. it's a real beauty.

Betcha

anything those in the fbi smoke pot. it's a generational thing. every generation goes through it. perhaps that's wrong though. i certainly doubt that are those in the fbi who do not smoke pot, however. ugh. sentence is all twisted. i wouldn't doubt it if some fbi persons smoke pot. i mean i think they too smoke, a certain percentage of them anyway.

Who Is Everybody

does that include snoops from the fbi? cia? i mean they can actually be reading this. but for what purpose? to punish me? or simply to amuse themselves?

What's Funny

forgot again! oh well, i'll talk about andrew. he's such a cool kid. really has it together so far. i hope we have at least one sane person in the family. but the odds are not in his favor. whatever that means. so far though he seems to be a realist. well, yeah, so he wants to go to an art school that costs $35,000 a year. ugh. that's not very realistic. i mean, we're poor!

Word Verification

it's getting ridiculous. i'll never pass this one. i'll have to do two or three before i get through.

What I've Eaten Today

raisin bread from panera. that stuff is delicious. been stuffing (remember gluttony) myself with it.

Then Again

maybe not. eddie's gonna take him to the mall. thanks to eddie! the recluse can enjoy a few more hours at home.

It's All About Karma Today

have to take andrew to work. it's a hike. just when i was feeling lucky at not having to make that commute, i am forced to do it.

Miss Cruelty

that's me. never realized it before. or maybe i did. like the time i wrote that story about my sister. it forever changed the way she related to me. i was cruel. but i didn't fully comprehend it. the extent of it. i think i've done the same thing with kevin. exposed him in a way that is unacceptable.

Ha, Ha

fooled you!

Let's Get Serious Here

and post a long blog. wanna bet i can do it? just wait. and see.

Big Brother

see what i mean. we even have big brother here in a sense. it is meant to block nuisances, but ends up censoring others. makes it more difficult for you to speak.

Me, The Artist

fuck. word verification. guess i'll see you later.

Chilly Out There

did my task. am a good mother! andrew starts work tonight. that's right. he got a job. piercings and all. working at express, a really nice store. he was determined to find a job. and he did. regardless of his piercings, which i think are cool.

Stuck

in the post mode. don't know what to write. have to pick-up andrew. ugh. i hate going out!

Betcha

my generation has no idea what i'm about. but that's okay. it's not like i'm enlightened. some days. i'll just stare at a beautiful object. like a pin i bought which was made in france. i'll prop the pin against the cigarette lighter and admire its beauty. a pink rectangular stone setting, surrounded by an oval of silver, which has an intricate design on it. and set in the middle of the pink stone is a miniature flower with white stones in it.

Wonder

if kevin still reads me. or is he so pissed at me, that he abruptly left the scene?

Andrew's Driving Exam

i don't know why. but i'm all nervous about it. it must have something to do with adapting our bonds as we age.

I Looked So Cute This Morning

my beret. and my skin tight jacket. striped t-shirt, light and dark blue stripes. my black pants. bobby socks and loafers. would he resist me?

They All Agreed

ozzie was the only person who could get me out of the house that day. (damn. my toe hurts! it hurts at the oddest times. i don't know what's going on.) but they also knew that although the plan had to make sense, it didn't have to make sense to me. i'd never catch on. the contradictions would fly past me. the nonsensical movements we made that evening. i'm hungry, i told her. let's go get chicken at the mall. or, i think i'll get my nails done since we're at the mall. then the dreadful ride back to the mansion. and how i still didn't want to go into the house!

Then Again

as if this makes any sense, i love looking at my diamond ring.

Cold Feet

i have them. i mean i have shoes and socks on, and they're still cold. probably has to do with circulation. mine probably isn't very good. since i smoke...

Thanos' Commute

is dreadful. i don't envy him one bit. oh, i've discovered something. about myself. and now i forgot it! damn. alzheimers. playing the beatles now. no reply. i'm a loser. the classics. my classics. my favorites.

Melting Pot

strangely, the restaurant had 2 other parties there who were celebrating birthdays. i felt like going and saying happy birthday to this young woman, but i was too shy.

The Seven Deadly Sins

i suffer from gluttony. even though i am thin, i have the palette of a glutton. i smoke like crazy. i eat my chocolate vorasciously. i'll eat cake until the sugar gives me a rush. see, we have other chemicals too. approved by the fda. but why doesn't somebody really tell us what sugar does to some of us. multiple addictions.

Besides

i'm not the only writer who has had an addiction. the most famous operated under altered states. not just poets. but musicians. and painters. it's just part of our society. that's all.

Grab That Thought

that last thought. the sun came out with it. it was simultaneous. the cloud has recovered its position in the sky now. all over.

Reality

okay. i'll say it. reality is incredibly boring for me. my life here is boring. there is no stimulation. i don't care to socialize. so what do i become? a recluse.

My Room

you should see it! it's such a mess. i have clothes piled on the rocking chair. on the desk. in boxes. this house is definitely not big enough for me.

Renae

haven't talked about her yet. knew renae for a long time. did some nasty things to me. sneaky. not upfront with me. then wouldn't help me when i was leaving bill. could i call her a friend. sort of. our kids associated with one another and we socialized. sadly renae got brain cancer and died when she was 44. which is really young, if you know what i mean. her family has fallen apart since her death. makes me think about karma.

The Audacity Of It All

a tiny insect landed on my nose, and i squashed it!

There, Now

don't you feel better? i've had my fix for the day. it's addictive. don't let no one tell you it isn't. be smart. not a dumb, dumb. like me.

The Best Spouse

is thanos. answers the phone, and first question out of his mouth is: is everything alright. like i'm gonna go nuts within the span of a couple of hours. i was pretty close to it actually.

this may sound goofy, but my big toe, the left one, has been bothering me for over a month. and i'm supposed to get a pedicure tomorrow. that's gonna hurt!

Generous Boy Next Door

slipped me about 4 days worth of pot. that's good on such short notice!

Pneumonia

took forever to get rid of that. what a pain in the ass!

Wonder What It's Like To Be A Wetnurse

not that i want to become one. but think. wouldn't it be strange if i started lactating. being menopausal and all. wouldn't that be weird? juliet had a wetnurse, a woman who nurses the child. who nurses several children. but has her favorite. juliet. don't you just love to twist will?

This Morning

i was really industrious. i went to cvs and picked up my meds. bought a carton of cigarettes. all while i was ridden with anxiety because i was experiencing withdrawal symptoms. i hadn't had pot since sunday. it was now thursday. i obssessed about pot. was all high pitched and stuff.

Cuticle

mine are all dry, two fingers bloodied. i've been gnawing at them for i don't know how long!

Life Expectancy

i give myself another three years. but then you never know. i could live to be one hundred.

Fret

i fretted all morning. i was so anxious. was i gonna write about my addiction? would i share that too? apparently so.

The Boys Next Door

accomodated the pregnant wife, and smoked pot in the garage. which is how spiro smelled it. couldn't figure that one out at first. but then he'd have no reason to lie. i'm in bliss.

Route to the Canvas

is filled with small twists here and there. move the table. a foot or so. then pretend i'm looking for my paints which are behind the easel in a drawer. then i have to get familiar with them again. pick out my favorites. now that's a chore!

Random Drug Testing

sucks. i'm at the point in life where i don't care. i don't feel i have to hide anywhere. out in the open, for a change. it's complicated.

The Spa

don't know if i really feel like going there. i'd rather stay home and get stoned. now that's addiction!

It's Already Afternoon

and i've gotten a lot accomplished. i gathered my guilt and went for a walk. we walked through bush land. listening to their jazz song now. it's really good. but then everything they do is good. that's what i say.

Can't Fortget to Say my Prayers

thank you, god.

Anyway

don't look it. i'll always look different. my style, that is. i go through the stages of life with flair. i'm in the air.

Feel Much Older

here. it's like, damn! i'm 54. i'm an old woman. refuse to accept that thought. myspace made me feel girlish. i had fun there. this place is so serious. i still don't know exactly where i am. fumbling my way through the morass...

Nothing

like listening to good music, writing, smoking and drinking coffee on a cloudy day.

Dosage

this dose was about a bowl and a half. not much. but enough for me. wonder what ted is doing. more importantly, how he's doing. i worry about him. he stopped smoking pot and had some strange experiences. panic attacks. they're awful. except he couldn't sit still. definitely could not go into his dorm room, if you can call it a room! ended up driving home. and felt much better. that was the day he stopped smoking.

Mellow Thoughts

that's what i'm having today. like jello. maybe i can become sort of a grandma with my next door neighbors son. eventually they'll want to go out alone. it all depends on them. at this stage they are completely absorbed. interesting to see. and watch.

The Conversation

went like this:

do you smoke.

(without hesitation) yeah.

i'm out of it.

(cast a sideways glance) can you get me some.

sure.

there was little talk to, but that was the essential conversation.

I said. I admitted my addiction once again.

hm... having curly thoughts today!

Self-Absorbed

that's what i am. the world inside has won. don't make it outside much.

Oh

another post. i'm spacing out here today. i wanna be a grandma. but my kids are still to young to reproduce. this is a different high. pot is so variable. let's face it though. i'm addicted. no horses circling the wagons - whatever that means. this should be the blog of true confessions. the confessional is my approach to writing.

Underwear

i was at the laundromat once, and this guy who was a single father was there doing laundry with his kid. i was waiting for a dryer, the dryer he was using, and we struck up a conversation. he had tons of laundry packed into the dryer, and some fell on the floor while he was emptying the machine. a pair of threadbare underpants was among the things that fell, and i instinctively made a remark about them, like, oh, you can probably pitch those. unknowingly, i offended him. i can't remember now what he said, but he was pissed. were they his favorite pair? maybe.

Pumpkin Pie

it's all about the way i feel about making pumpkin pie. i promised ozzie i would make some for thanksgiving. but i've become so undomesticated, i feel awkward in the kitchen. don't know if i have the ingredients, and i don't care. i've become unfamiliar with the kitchen. kind of feel like painting. but i sort of feel about painting like i do about the kitchen. my supplies are in disarray. and i can't get to them easily. they too are part of the kitchen. ah, the kitchen. my world is all about the kitchen.

I'm Still A Chicken

i'm so afraid sometimes. overly shy in certain situations. it was the monster. when i was a child. it's all the monster's fault.

I Did It!

i knocked on my neighbors door. he's cool. everything is cool.

Feeling Sorry For Myself

i'm such a chicken.

Driver's License Administration

who the fuck would schedule an appointment 6 months in advance, to take the driving test. maryland is fucked. it's bad enough that you have to schedule an appointment, dealing with a 5 minute voice disaster, before you can schedule or speak to a person. what's scary is how you get conditioned to make these phone calls, because you usually need to make more than one call, more like 5, before you actually schedule an appointment. big brother is messing with my head.

Went Out

got my meds. cigarettes. some cash. i'm obssessing today. today is all about obssession. and it's still so early. in some respects i feel better. alert. not in a haze. but i love being in a haze. i see things differently.

Restless

that's what i am today. pacing. looking out the window. watching the cats play. squirming in my chair. it's awful.

Thursday

don't know much about thursdays. all i know is i am going crazy. riddled with anxiety. don't know what i'm going to do today. raining outside. my life is so boring. i can spend the day looking at my beautiful red roses. i can knock on my neighbors door. tell him i'm desperate. nah.

What Else?

not much going on. i'm being a good girl.

The Day After My Birthday

doing good. my birthday was awesome. i worked. i got roses from judy. went to the melting pot for fondue - can't really call it dinner. the portions are good but miniscule. as for this blog, i can only say i like writing. what will i write about. almost anything. but i think i've lost a friend because of it. sad...

Karma

i could not tell you what my karma is. but i can tell you a story about karma.

the townhouse on the corner was for sale, and the real estate agent was there all day saturday. we were leaving for greece that day. thanos had parked the car in front of the house the night before. intended for it to stay there while we were away. but that morning i decided i wanted to go get food, so i drove the car to the mall. by the time i returned the parking space had been taken by the real estate agent. thanos was upset. but i said, maybe if we explain the situation, he'll move his car. i did not expect what followed. i was appalled by his brusque manner. absolutely not. he didn't have to move his car, and he wasn't going to. but, we're leaving the country today, and... he'd hear nothing of it. luckily there was a space at the other end of the block, and we took that spot. we wanted an end spot, so it would not interfere with our neighbors parking habits. anyway, we went to the airport just horrified by our earlier experience. gradually we forgot about it.

several months later, the unit was still unsold, this man comes ringing our doorbell. he has this big box, which contains a beautiful vase. it took me several seconds to recognize that this was the same agent that had been so rude to us, months earlier. he displays the vase. then says he wants to trade it for my buddha, a large concrete smiling buddha. he was presumptuous. i've had the buddha for many years, and i would never trade it. well, let me qualify that. i wouldn't traded it for a vase. and i would never engage in any exchange with that man. not in this life.

My Father

my father, on the other hand, was nuts. he was so fucking repressed that it bordered on abnormality. he died a miserable old man. i felt nothing sad for him the day he died. he was master of his twisted life, and he died having maybe one friend. but that too is questionable. he died alone.

Danae

even though everybody says she's crazy, i like her. there's something familiar about her. an old greek woman who looks young. obssessed with her son. and the ex. complex personality. interesting clinically. but you'll never get her in a clinical situation. she, too, doesn't like doctors. doesn't trust them.

Laying Low

that's what i'm doing. just left the package on the doorstep. did not want to disturb them. i remember how hectic it is when the baby first comes home. here you are, suddenly a parent. attentive, totally. watching every breath the baby takes. watching what appears to be a miracle. you gotta watch out for post partum depression. i had that. it was terrible. i had it both times. it was after the second birth that sent me into the arms of fanelli 3 months later. couldn't eat. couldn't sleep. couldn't stand to be awake. just awful. that association, with fanelli, lasted 15 years, until i moved to maryland. if i had been diagnosed as bipolar prior to having children, i probably would have skipped procreation.

Well, I did it

i put the gift by their front door. too shy to knock. i saw them leave. figured they would see it when they got back. now i don't know what to do. do i knock on their door? do i lay low?

Typical Weather

for my birthday. cloudy. rain. november 13th. always lousy weather. they say winter babies are more likely to develop depression. i don't know where or when i heard that. but it's an interesting hypothesis, although i would wonder how they would go about explaining that. i mean a full-term, healthy baby should have an equal chance at an equal start, regardless of the season. but maybe babies need more sunlight than we imagined. who knows.

The Spa

thanos bought me a day at the spa on friday. first time in my life. not exactly. had a facial and massage once. and used to get massages at the community center too. they weren't that cheap. 45 dollars for half an hour. but to spend a whole day at the spa. that's a first. nice birthday present!

What I Learned in Biology

that the human expectancy rate has gone up at the same rate as of our improvement in hygiene. that was the most significant lesson. one of the few i remember. the other lessons have been integrated into my life. could differentiate them if i wanted to, but i'm too lazy. it's too much work!

Really Not Much Going On Today

'xcept i have to take that gift next door. it would be nice if i showered before i did that. not that i expect to go in.

Nap Time

ruddiger took off. goes under andrew's bed. impossible to find. it's such a mess under there! clothes, boxes, drawing tablets - oh. i was wrong. he just made a grand entrance. running then putting on the brakes. like a cartoon.

Stock Market

just opened. the opening bell scared ruddiger! it's an obnoxious sound, if you think about it. old thing.

Fragile

wonder how the post office defines fragile. really... do they put all fragile objects in a separate bin? are there "fragile handlers" there to supervise the handling of fragile objects? these are important questions.

Paint

maybe i'll start painting again. haven't done that in about 4 yrs. my style never changes. i tried to do a portrait, and it looked just like all my other portraints - bizarre.

High Fidelity

half way through that book. i like it a lot. but my concentration is still not good, one of the lingering effects of depression.

Ho, Hum

another predictable day.

Kitchen Issues

here they come... first thing out of his mouth. no, second. complaints about the kitchen. what he doesn't understand is the kitchen is (emphasis) clean.

ghads

the morning was so sublime. now thanos is awake, and ruddiger is happy. but also, to my distress, thanos is turning on the financial channel. have to listen to that all day. or not. i can tune out with my headphones!

Who the fuck is calling at 8:30 in the morning!

nobody worth talking to! that's who. nuisance calls, i call them.

When I Die

they'll probably find me crouched over my computer!

Guess It Wasn't Time for Me to Go

what else could it be? Luck? Extremely good luck?

Rainy Day

rainy day. again. today.

Celebrity Status

i had reached that with my 2nd suicide attempt. i have no idea what i said or did when i was half-conscious, but apparently told my father to fuck off. so who knows what else i uttered. i called the ward later, when i had been released by fanelli from the psych ward. the nurses were all attentive. invited me to visist them. i spoke to the doctor who had cared for me. and he told me essentially. all of my brain cells were asleep.

Imaginary Conversations

i have imaginary conversations with editors. i pretend i have found one. and we're talking about something. they're odd characters, too. some are fat and squat. they're cuckoo.

Ruddiger

ruddiger is so cute. he's seen everyone except thanos this morning. he's meowing by the door. he wants him to wake up!

Ruddiger

ruddiger knows his name already. that's so cool... didn't take long at all. about 9 days.

The Cats

the cats enjoy music. i find them sitting here, with me, when i am listening to music.

Still Lazy Today

taking it easy today. tomorrow is my birthday. 54!

Drafts

i'm gonna try to develop stories based on this blog. i see many threads here. i deal with love, pain, boredom. i'll make them short. as short as possible. they'll be like me! i am short. only problem is...

So Lazy Today

it's not any fun when you think nobody is reading your blog. it's good and all, that i'm writing. but i write to be read. that's the joy of writing, besides getting it out of your head. whew. what a relief. wonder if we can reach nirvana through writing?

The Weather

the weather up here is nice and breezy. not too many thoughts out for a stroll today. haven't had a day like this in ages.

I miss myspace.com

terribly! there you get messages and friends post on your bulletin board. you are more engaged than here. this place feels barren. so, yeah. that's what i think of this place: barren.

Ghost Town

if this is in fact a ghost town, then what the fuck am i doing here? i need to address my thoughts to an imaginary audience. but if they don't exist in my imagination, then what good is that? the thought of standing alone in open western desert is horrible!

Goal

thanos' watching soccer on tv. and his team scored. although i generally hate sports - have to tell you, that thought yesterday of this being a ghost town. that really gaves me the creeps - i can tolerate soccer. i like its pace. the players seem more real, than football players, for example, who wear this armor. and of all sports, the crowds are absolutely crazy.

Nirvana

consuming my last drops of coffee. even thinking about kevin. smoking a slow cigarette. letting the sun touch my fingertips. sitting by a big window. in other words, the kitchen.

Lazy

that's what i am today. plain lazy. pretty close to nirvana.

Beautiful Blog

what is there to say today? the sun is out, and the sky is a bit hazy. ruddiger is sitting on a chair, taking in the sun. an ode to beautiful mornings. and kitty litter boxes to clean.

Morning Fights

thanos and the ex. having telephone fights. personally, i don't why he bothers talking to her. she just rattles him everytime with her delusions. he's poisoning spiro. he's drugging him. she's gonna kill thanos. report him to the police. really nuts!

House Rules

i don't do dishes.
i do minimal laundry.
i spot clean only.
i do the litter boxes.

those are the ones i can think of this morning.

Creepy Thought

what if i live in a ghost town here? nobody coming through. that would be awful.

Jenna

jenna is one of ozzie's five dogs. she is a terror, but lovable. she destroys things in her path. steals food. and tonight almost got my beret. went for it while it was on my head. she's obsessed with hats. was sitting on the couch, and she was sitting next to me, when she went for the suave brown beret.

The Party

the party had been planned weeks in advance. ozzie, thanos and frank. paulina and junior, her husband, were there. and so was andrew. that was cool. almost all of the most important people in my life. only missing ted. think i'll call him right now!

Well, Well

those posts read like a short story! maybe i wrote a short story, not even knowing it. all i was thinking was i gotta tell this story. and it's gonna take me more than one post. time to relax. with my kitten. and cat. and maybe even thanos. tonight i learned i had never been surprised like that before. i'm still in shock.

Pasta

but first we had to resolve the issue of the pasta. ozzie had made some. i would come in and eat, wouldn't it? nope. i'm turning around and going home, i said. okay, she said. frank would wrap it for us. and you can bring it to me, i said. don't think she said anything to that. i was determined. i just wanted to get home. when we finally got to ozzie's spacious home (the house sits on 5 acres.) ozzie begged me to come in. how can you do this to frank, she said. not even come in to say hello. she pulled at my strings. oh, okay. just for a few minutes.

thought it was time to just relax. being all anxious didn't help. and i had already gotten the gift. so everything was cool. i'd stay for a bit, then leave. i walk in the house and i start to cough. it's an earlier cough, which hasn't finished its cycle. i don't want to kiss frank. i feel as though i have tb. so there we were. in the house. then they want to show me something in the basement, some lights frank put up at the bar. he could've told me anything. i'm so oblivious to my physical surroundings sometimes... i miss a lot of information.

so i follow ozzie down the stairs. frank distracts me. look at the lights i put up, he says. my eyes follow his suggestion. i see the lights. then from the left 4 people jump out of the corner and say, Surprise!

Cell Phone Malfunction

fuckin' at&t, i said. their network is the pitts. tried calling thanos several times, to see when he was coming home, so we could drive ozzie home. each wireless connection was riddled with noise. deleted blocks of speech. and what have you. he finally texted me, there was no connection. they were at montgomery mall. fuck, i thought. i'm gonna have to drive her home! i especially wanted to avoid night driving. i would drop her off, i decided. i would turn around and come back home immediately. oh, to be back home, on my warm couch, by the fireplace, with my cats nearby. nothing beat that.

Ozzie

somehow she got me to agree to drive her to target. although she said since i was going to the mall she could look there for what she needed. that helped, cause i didn't want to be driving around. i wanted to get back home asap. this was cutting into a piece of my day, and i didn't like it. me. the recluse. to make a long story short, we made it to the mall, and i found the cutest hoodie for the little one. relieved, we headed back to my place where we would wait for thanos to come so we could drive ozzie home, and i wouldn't have to do anymore driving today.

Phone Call

i thought i would be anxious as soon as i stepped into the shower. i had negotiated a minimal wash. no shaving legs. just shampoo hair and wash body once. to my surprise, i found myself totally relaxed. i was in no hurry. i didn't have to be anywhere. so i ended washing myself more than once. even shaved my legs. as soon as i stepped out of the shower, my phone rang. it was ozzie and she was hysterical. she needed to get to target, and needed a ride. would i? damn, i thought. still have a towel on. i didn't feel like going.

Boulder

ain't talking about the city. talking about myself. so yeah, i thought a knit cap would be a good gift. i had been thinking of going to the mall since wednesday. but never managed to get out of the house. this was my day to do it. thanos was home. he would drive me to the mall, since i don't like driving that much any more. yeah, maybe i could be persuaded to take a bath.

Thanos

is against pot in the sense that he will never smoke it. he's cool about me smoking. he respects my decision. as my doctor does. in a way. my doctor prefers i didn't. but he cannot argue the benefits i cite. it does things medicine alone does not. most importantly, in conjuction with the medicine, keeps me from getting depressed. pot alone wouldn't have done it either. it's the combination of meds and pot. besides, i always win the argument. in the end i say, if the meds were really working, then i wouldn't have the craving for pot!

Surprise!

after some careful consideration, i thought it would be best if i bathed today. i was close to hitting a record. last time i showered was wednesday. my flannels were getting stinky. first i would do some writing though. then when i was done with that, i would go and shower. i had wanted to go to the mall since wednesday, to look for a gift for the little one next door. a knit cap, i thought would be a good gift for someone you don't really know well. (can't really write right now. thanos won't stop talking)... (the atmosphere is excited) besides, i had an ulterior motive. we both smoked pot. and i needed some.

Actually, What Happened...

is thanos went looking for my blog, and found his. one he had forgotten about. i wonder how many other blogs like that there are in blog history?

I Know

maybe we're just blogger dummies!

A Hassle

that's what this place is. hassle to send a fucking email.

Technician

that's what i feel like around here. a technician. scrutinizing their technical system. damn... if i had only known.

Cumbersome

that's what blogger.com is. thanos is trying to find my blog, after signing up at blogger.com, and can't find it still. somebody needs to do something about that.

Grungy Still

was gonna take a shower today, but seeing as i got up at 12:30 today, i seem less and less inclined to bathe. my hair feels like straw. my flannels are starting to smell. haven't been...

Trouble Getting In

thanos is having trouble getting in to my blog. he should be able to find it easily. that's not good.

Junkies

drama. apple is expert at it. they know how to create it. those people first in line are apple junkies. all of them, in fact. they can't realize that there will be plenty of iphones available. they can't see that. they're junkies. a good way to get a vicarious thrill though. great blogging.

Just When I Was Feeling Out of Touch

i found this lively blog! wonderful blogging chronicling the start of iphone mania in europe. lots of neat pictures too. lively coverage by this student of architecture in queue for an iphone. how the media gradually descended on them, started taking their pictures. wait til they start reporting on the iphone. that's when the mania finally sets in. this, right now, what i'm doing, contributes to the process. spreading the word. by word of mouth.

Great Blog on iPhone Sale in London

check this out. it's really cool.

http://www.tomj.org/london-iphone-queuing.html

Holidays

are getting closer and closer. i think lots of people commit suicide during the holidays. (what a cheerful thought) don't know for sure. but i do know people get depressed around the holidays. that's well known. keep thinking about a dream i had last night. about visiting the house of a couple. really nice people. but we didn't know them. i mean we don't know them. they were a dream couple only. but it's almost as though they're real, only from a different dimension.

Iowa

what's there to do in iowa. lots of things. that's what some people think. or nothing. i spent time in iowa. my ex, bill, was from iowa. got some interesting men there. smart. but the the town itself, fort dodge, where he's from, well, there's not much to do. but you know what people do there. they visit their friends. go out to eat fried chicken. or go to the local restaurant and have their meal there. that at least was my experience of iowa. but that was through the movements of an 80 yr old man, bill's father. just did what you do to get through the day.

Fishermen

i like them. they are special. smart. witty. full of life. and so brave! to not be afraid to go to sea, to go where you can no longer see land. i'd be terrified. i know 3 fishermen. more than i thought i'd ever know.

Back to 69 Love Songs

god. when will this stop. this obssession with music. not an addiction exactly. but another thing that is slightly askew. miss fannelli. wonder how he is doing. wish i could talk to him. too shy, to pick up the phone. have to go buy the little ones' cap. the newborn. next door. haven't been out since wednesday evening. recluse. recluse. recluse.

Brown Cigarettes

cigarettes rolled in brown paper are stronger than those rolled in white. smoking home rolled cigarettes. not bad. the brown paper was too strong for me. thought i was smoking a cigar. they're pretty cool looking though. a brown cigarette has a flair to it. it's odd. unusual. eccentric.

Still Raining

in gaithersburg. the drizzle is so slight, zoe doesn't even realize it's raining, and went outside. time to think about dinner. thanos is gonna cook pork tenderloin in a tomato sauce, and make spaghetti. sounds yummy! hey, word verification is off now. yippee!

Thanos is Home

hooray. good to see him on this gloomy friday. well, at least i brushed my teeth today. i may be no raving beauty. like i already said, a female version of beethoven. but i did not scare thanos. no. he told me i looked good. and his eyes sparkled. so i guess the grungy look becomes me!

Time To Switch The Music

going on to maroon 5. been listening to 69 love songs all day. that's a lot. almost everything i've written was written while listening to the magnetic fields. maroon 5 is a little jazzier. wakes me up a bit. that's what i haven't done today! wake up.

Almost Forgot

brushed my teeth today!

Just Called Ted

he's sounding good. haven't talked to him in a couple of days. i try to call him regularly. he needs a lot of support right now. doesn't really know where he wants to be. finds himself in college. and not particularly liking it there. don't blame him. mainly because of the dorm room. it's the size of a closet. humans need more space than that. at least some of them do. anyway, like i said, he's sounding good, and that's all i care about.

Suddenly I'm Feeling...

forgot what. just happened. my memory is going out the door. starting to get senile. ew. had a creepy feeling. what if, what if. there i go again. forgetting. see the difficulty?

Lousy Driving Instructor

wonder why i am such a lousy driving instructor. is navigating in the real world too much for me? overstimulating?

Oh, my goodness

i know what i am to kevin... a sinful person. he's very religious. i'm the harlot perhaps. i'm...

Won't Be Long

before i forget how ruddiger was as a kitten. maybe not. but i cannot remember zoe well. then again, i did not write about zoe. ruddiger's development will be exhibited on a wall mural. perhaps i shouldn't share my kevin fantasies with you. maybe it's wrong somehow. like i've violated a special relationship.

Funny

i think it's so funny this blog is flagged as spam. i find it hilarious. but it's the kind of laugh that takes place inside my head. i'd cough myself to death if i actually laughed that way.

Hm...

trying to think of nice things to say... waiting for something to come to me, but it doesn't. i'm an angry person. i'm not no angel. andrew is an angel. and so is ted. as i've said before, both of them were visited by an angel. i saw the three of them one night in a light so bright i had to close my eyes. i didn't want to be seeing these things! but it seems i get to.

Pennies

pennies. that's what my thoughts are worth today. i'm in la la land today. neither here, nor there. and i still have to do word verification!

School's Out

it's 2:10. andy should be coming home soon. hope he doesn't send me out. he does that when he goes to his girlfriend's house. he has to be out of there by 4:15. courtney's dad comes home at 4:30. and he's a weird dude. they've never met. and they want to keep it that way. why? i don't know exactly why. oh, yeah. he's a jehovah's witness.

A Dare

judy dared me to make kevin feel good. she thinks i'm being mean to him. that i should show how much i value him as a friend, which i haven't. how much i respect his writing ability, which i do. he won a pulitzer. no small potatoes there. i'm trying to be nice... but it seems i come to unleash my cynicism. sorry, kevin.

See?

what did i tell you? it's annoying.

wedhjido

how do you like that one? sounds native american to me. watching jack the ripper. made in '59. you can tell it's hollywood. british and american accents. didn't know americans were involved with jack the ripper. just in hollywood.

fmoobnn

that's this post's "word." ou. just saw a crow fly by. drinking a bottle of vitamin water. not enough to warrant a post even. and yet, i will put in fmoobnn so i can post this. now that's dedication! or perhaps obssessive-compulsive.

More and More Absurd

the "words" in word verification are getting more and more absurd. this one is: agggray. they're all snaky and green.

quiet day. the magnetic fields are serenading me today.

Zoe

is always by my side when i am home and working. she either sits on me, or the chair next to me. she's such good company. better than most humans.

Discrimination

you should see it now. now that andrew is trying to get a job, and has all those piercings. nobody wants him. it's a shame. an absolute shame. he is such a good kid!

The Monster, Continued

the thing that impressed me so much about this monster that appeared one night in hyde park, chicago, was how it was shaped like a human, had arms and legs, a neck and head. but i was unable to detect any definition in its form. it was something from deep inside the earth. that's all i thought. that was my first panic attack. the one i remember. have had many more since then.

Good Thing It's Friday

i need a break. but will i get one? probably not. i'll probably keep plugging away, telling you about my dreams and fantasies. how can i put it? there's nothing i'd rather do. this is my reason for living. to write. i've known it ever since i was a child. that's all i ever wanted to do...

I Want To Talk to Someone

call me. anybody. dare you to. ah, but there's nothing like writing. but this is the land of no comments - just like myspace. i almost forgot.

A Real Pistol

that's what i am. i have armies of penises at my command. (the verification word for this post is: coxvd. no kidding! cocks and venereal disease.)

Guess Peter and I Can Talk About Our Marriages

now that would be interesting fodder.

fucking word verification!

i hate it!

Have No Idea Why Peter Thought Of Me

really don't. i haven't seen him in 5 years. we didn't have that much in common. then again, we never really talked. it was a traditional social gathering, me, talking to suzanne, thanos, to peter. occasionally we'd share thoughts as a group. this is different though.

69

what is it about that number, anyway? what makes it so special. and significant to human sexuality? is it a good fit? is that it? fuck. word verification popped up again!

A Female Version of Beethoven

i'm turning into one. my hair is ablaze. everywhere. my brassiere is unhinged. my clothes are wrinkled. and so am i!

Dreams

last night's was set on foreign soil. part in greece. part in another european country. had to do with contracts, the house in greece, my aunt and uncle, who are dead, and a whole bunh of other people. that one tired me out. i was tired when i woke up. i'm sorry i love you, the song says, but nothing i can do. it's a phase i'm going through. great lines.

Breakfast

braeburn apple. bread and butter.

myspace

myspace was all about moods. i loved those things. i would make up my own. it was such fun. this place isn't fun. it's pretty drab. but it serves its function well. so you'll have no complaints from me - now that's not true! i keep lying today.

Good Day To Cry

the drizzle, barely perceptible. the clouds. the wet pavement. the joints ache. it's a perfect day to cry.

Ruddiger

i have no idea where to pet him. i know he likes his back scratched. unlike zoe. she tells you where she wants to be petted. the rud is asleep now, hidden somewhere in andrew's room.

Happy Camper

i'm a happy camper today. have lots of vitamin water. won't run out. have stuff to snack on during the day. what more could i want?

Uh, Oh

uh, oh. thanos started reading the blog. he's starting to edit me. but i won't do it. i say, i won't do it!

Joanna

joanna is the administrative assistant where thanos works. must be in her early 60s. so elegant. gives such attention to detail in her dress. can't figure out why she's a republican!

Not enough coffee

that's always the case. end up studying the formations of my coffee grounds, how they all lay, at the end of the morning. that's way too early to run out of strong coffee. but what can i do? it's one of my addictions.

The Cigarette Machine

thanos loves that thing way too much. it's like a toy for him. there. i wrote something about my husband. i'll never tell you about thanos and me. now that was a lie. i will talk about him. but in a different way. being my husband is not the same thing as being a lover right now. we are comfortable with one another. maybe take advantage of each other. hum.

It's Way Too Early To Do That

but what the hell. that's never stopped me before. death. now that'll stop me.

Bombing Kevin

that's what i'm doing today.

Catholicism

kevin sat and wrote me how his wife was converting to catholicism. like i care.

Catholic Priests

what is it with them, anyway!

Facebook

peter found me through facebook. i know peter through thanos. he's married to suzanne. successfull businesswoman. he's an interesting character. has had a colorful life. his father had a taste for the exotic and married a chinese woman. he's half-british, half-chinese. and about 6 feet tall! and a bear. very huggable. his father, if i am correct, was some sort of minister in the church of england. cool.

Kiss Me, Darling

like the look of that as a title. really should wash my hair today. it's so dry! still don't know what to do about zack. do i fire him as my hairdresser? it's both hard and easy to do. when it's a matter of getting beautified, it's all business.

Absolutely Cuckoo

is the name of another song on the cds. i'm absolutely cuckoo for you, it says. the main singer has a beautiful baritone voice. my goodness! it's raining.

Grocery Shopping

kevin is number 1 on my list. haha. just kidding. we went grocery shopping yesterday and they packed the food in paper bags. and now the cats are playing with them. there's about seven of them. they go in and out of them. last on my list is kevin.

Wonder if I can think of 50 things to say about kevin?

hm... that may require a lot of work. and i'm lazy. but i'm sure plenty of things will come out. maybe 55.

Kevin Day

guess that's what today is. i'm playing with kevin today. making love to him.

Aggressive

aggressive today. just like yesterday. i'm throwing bombs at kevin today. will he answer? never.

Undressing Kevin

that's what i'm doing right now. oh, will these fantasies ever end!

Oops!

forgot about ruddiger. he's sleeping on the chair. this song has a mesmerizing effect on you. it puts you in another zone. can't say enough about it. can't say anything about it, really. just gotta listen to it. over and over. sensual. makes you want to sway.

I Can't Touch You Anymore

i'm not the only one who loves that song. zoe loves it too. she's sleeping on the wicker stool. it's awfully wintry outside. the streets are wet, the sky is dark. the leaves are still on the trees though. the weather is screwed up. what are we doing to the planet?

Grungy Friday

i sure am grungy today. didn't brush my teeth yesterday. i can feel the plaque on them. smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee. slept in my clothes last night. really need a shower! i should go up to kevin now, and say, kiss me, darling.

Irony

it would be ironic if i came to this blog to tell the world about kevin. i do seem to write about him a lot. that's because i do not have many associations with the outside world, and i rely on my contact with him. it keeps me sane. that's why i go nuts when decides he isn't going to write to me, like now!

My Web

kevin is in it right now. ten years, after all, is a long time to be emailing someone. if there weren't anything there, it wouldn't have lasted this long. ugh. he drives me crazy!

Kevin is Dizzy Today

i'm on a writing spree with him. i will hound him with about 8 emails or 9. i will touch nerves he didn't know he had. but do you think he will write back? nope.

A Study

commerce on the internet. the more obscure objects. that would be an interesting study. and fun. too bad i won't do it...